Samantha Love

Erotica Author

Finding a Dominant Girlfriend

Last week, I discussed how to introduce your wife or significant other to female domination. If you aren’t currently in a relationship you might have felt left out. Don’t despair. This week’s post is all about you. If you’re a single kinkster looking for love, consider yourself very fortunate. There are plenty of like-minded fetish enthusiasts out there with desires just as twisted or tame as your own.

Unfortunately, this is a numbers game, and the numbers aren’t encouraging for submissive males searching for their Wanda*. There are a wide range of stats on this issue. Some list submissive males outnumbering dominant females four to one. Academic research I’ve seen have numbers all over the place but submissive men always outnumber dominant women. If you read the fine print on these studies many of them only have a few hundred people (at best) and are often limited to a small geographical area.

Here’s Fetlife’s own numbers.

Fetlife Female Domination Stats

Link to larger graph.

Fetlife Female Domination Stats

Link to larger graph.

I know these are probably too small to see, so I’ve provided a link to them. If we add up sub and slave, we get 11.39% for men. For women, adding dom, domme, and mistress, we arrive at 10.74%. Sadist represents a percentage too small to be included. There’s also brat which I imagine contains a few dominant women. Given this comparison, there appears to be an almost 1:1 ratio.

However, at almost every Munch or fetish ball I’ve attended submissive men have far outnumbered dominant women. Others have confirmed my anecdotal reports. So what gives? The reason for this anomaly is simple; men outnumber women on Fetlife’s site 6:1.

We may never learn the real number, but I know this much. If you’re a submissive male in search of a dominant woman, being able to present yourself as a human being interested in real connections beyond having your fetishes entertained will put you in the top ten percent alone. Be respectful and find common ground beyond kinks and you’re likely to have much better success than shouting out a bucket list of fetishes to be fulfilled.

Fetlife is like Facebook for kinksters. There’s also Alt. For males, Collar Me (or Collar Space as they’ve now rebranded themselves) is a waste of time. I’m not even giving them the respect of a hyperlink. Another great site is AboutFLR. The dating portion is very small, but it has a wealth of information about female led relationships. There are a ton of other sites that a simple Google search will reveal. While POF and OkCupid don’t cater specifically to kinksters, they both have a large number of active users. Both are also free. (For the record, I met my spouse on OkCupid, so I think they’re pretty awesome.)

Fetlife is probably your best bet. Just don’t expect to find your dream domme in an afternoon. There are still lots of fakes, flakes, and pro dommes on any of these sites. Be patient and spend time filling out your profile to the best of your ability. You can use a photo, but realize that with reverse imaging, your photos might be found. If you do want to use a photo of yourself, which I highly encourage, post one that has never been put onto any other social media site before.

After you’ve set up your profile and you’ve started chatting with others who pique your interest, try moving things out of the digital world as soon as possible. Get a phone number and call the person. You’ll get a much better feel for them. It’s important that you don’t develop feelings for someone who only exists to you in cyberspace or through texting. We can present just about any persona we want on the Internet. Speaking to that person on the phone will give you a much better impression of who they are.

If all goes well, meet in a public venue and have coffee. It’s important to have one or two non-fetish meet-ups before diving into anything sexual. Call it kink courting. You also want to be careful that you don’t end up in any dangerous situations. Bondage with a stranger is a recipe for bad things to come. Remember that you control the pace. Any domme who is pushing you to engage in activities that you feel uncomfortable with is a major red flag. The reverse is also true for dommes.

While Internet sites can be a great way to meet others, don’t disregard Munches if they’re available in your area. Munches are informal get-togethers for like-minded fetishists held normally at a restaurant. This is a great way to meet experienced fetish participants. Even if you don’t find your domme at one of these, you are sure to meet veteran dommes who can help guide you and provide mentoring. Don’t underestimate how valuable this can be.

Finally, we get to the best way to meet your future dominatrix. Date regular women. While this is the long route, it’s probably the most common. While many men are aware of their fetishes, most women don’t discover their kinks until someone introduces them in a relationship. You may get turned down a few times after you reveal your kinks. And yes, she might tell her friends. Just make sure to have your phone close by because one of those girlfriends may decide to give you a ring.

*Wanda is a reference to the dominant woman in Sacher-Masoch’s Venus in Furs.

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8 Comments

  1. Great research and presentation of the data. You make such an important point when discuss being interested in making a real connection. I don’t have your particular fetish but I do have one…maybe two. 🙂 I can’t roll around the world expecting women to jump at the opportunity to satisfy my fetish. We need to appreciate that it isn’t all about us and what we want. Most women want real connection and love. Once they feel comfortable in the relationship and we are more than delivering that fulfillment to them, our lover will be more open to exploring and indulging our kinks. There’s no guarantee of course but we certainly increase the probability of success. Great post!

  2. Reblogged this on dave94015 and commented:
    a breakdown of kink preferences in Fetlife, how to meet someone into kink. Is it true that “most women don’t discover their kinks until someone introduces them in a relationship”?

    • Everyone is different, so there are exceptions on both ends. However, it’s very common for women not to discover their fetishes until they are in their 30s. Men usually know by the time they are teens or in their early twenties.

  3. Fetlife has many often-discussed disadvantages but it also has fetish groups who have frequent events in many urban areas. Also some large cities have fetish clubs that you can join. The fetish community in many areas is quite small and one can become visible by participating in events. It is more likely that as people in a local fet community get to know you, you are likely to meet a match for your preferences. I think doing a “cold sales call” on just anybody is usually a waste of their (and your) time because of the specificity of kinks that people have.

    • I agree. If you get lucky on a site like Fetlife, great. However, finding local groups is really the key. Even if you don’t find a partner, you can get a good introduction to the fetish community and leave with some realistic expectations.

  4. One thing I learned was to introduce kink as soon as you safely can. If you wait too long you have too much invested if she isn’t into it. Obviously don’t go overboard, but you can hint and see how it goes. If it goes well you can speed things up. If not, you need to decide how important this is to you. Don’t be afraid.

  5. A lot of times, those of us who know what we like will be able to pick up on the signals – we might know you’re sub before you even do. It can be so obvious that no one really needs to talk about it at all, in my experience.

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